|||||Jonas Brothers - Shelf||]|
As I lay in bed this morning, my head resting on the chest of the Boy-Du-Jour I got to thinking about love.
As we all know, love is important. It's important in the development from infancy to childhood and beyond. Love defines us. Our parents love, the things we love, the people we love, how we love - love is, essentially, who we are. Humans are born to love. We all actively seek it out in one form or another,whether that be through music, sex, drugs - there is something to love. One of the greatest disservices a person can do is with hold love from a deserving party.
So, with my head on his chest, the sound of his heartbeat loud in my ear, his light, sleepy breaths in my hair I thought, "Do I love him?" Yes, absolutely I do, but am I IN love with him? While I feel strongly for him, I would be devastated if anything was to happen to him and I am immensely happy with him I am not in love with him. I'll miss him terribly when our time together comes to an end, but it's something that I know will happen sooner or later. He's not the one for me, I'm not the one for him. We don't have the same goals, nothing we want matches up. Our futures are meant to be different, so why waste my time?
Why am I with someone with whom I have no future? Shouldn't I be out there looking for the perfect guy for me? I don't think so. I'm 20 years old. I don't have any longing to be married soon, I'm not ready to settle down. I'm completely happy going nowhere with the current Boy. It's comfortable and fun. His friends are great, his family is awesome and he is wonderful. He is something peaceful in my otherwise unruly, sad life.
I love instantly. I fall in love with the cute boy at the bus stop, the latest celebrity crush, the random guy who passes me on a bike. I fall in love instantly, I fall out of love just as fast. Some people lust, I love. I don't just want the person, I want to KNOW them - their fears and wants. I want to hear about their work, their dog, their 3rd birthday. I want a glimpse into their world. I want to curl up and hear their heartbeat, feel their breath, the rise and fall of their chest, the warmth of their skin. I envision our first conversation, the exchange of phone numbers, the first date, first kiss etc... Sometimes I think of nothing else for minutes, hours, days,months even, years but it always fades. Eventually I hope to meet someone who I can't stop thinking about, ever. Someone who fascinates me to end. Someone I can fully immerse myself in fully. Someone I can breath in and never exhale.
One day this will happen. One day I'll know everlasting love. But not today. Today I'm happy in my faux relationship. I'm happy with his heartbeat and his breath. His kisses and his laughs. For now he makes me happy and for now that's how it will stay.